my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
