You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
