When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
