who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
