Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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