my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
