I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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