You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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