what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
