I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
