I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
