He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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