I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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