i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
