Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
