Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
