We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
