I murdered the dance floor call the cops
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
