theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
