my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
