She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
