??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
