i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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