It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
