I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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