if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
where are you?
Hypothermia
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
