i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
