I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
We named our party play list daddy issues
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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