mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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