my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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