i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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