M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
