I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
