When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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