my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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