Swine flu. Run for my life!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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