I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
