I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
