I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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