i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
