I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
