it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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