I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
