Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
