It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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