i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
