haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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