no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
