So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
