Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
