I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
