He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
