new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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